15 nov. 2007

cosa rara

1.

El sueño más divertido que he tenido consistía en que tocaban a mi puerta y un señor me decía:

"Señor, ya trajimos sus cajas de polvo para hacer agua de naranja, se las vamos poniendo por aquí"

Y entonces sudé frió. Esto de ordenar polvo para agua de naranja era, evidentemente de acuerdo con mi sueño, una broma, tal vez telefónica. El caso es que cuando el sujeto me dijo, realmente mencionó una cifra, la cual, haciendo una multiplicación de tantas cajas por tantos sobres por caja (una multiplicación en un sueño, sigo sin entenderlo), el resultado era: UN MILLÓN DE SOBRES DE POLVO PARA HACER AGUA DE NARANJA. Inmediatamente experimenté un miedo enorme, similar a cuando te cachan por algo malísimo que hiciste y te piden cuentas, el cual intenté despachar con un simple y llano:

"Ah, emmm, sí, ahí vayalas poniendo"

Y pensé, 'cómo crees que sí me las trajeron, no, no puede ser', y cerré la puerta a fin de negar la situación. El horror vino cuando me asome por la ventana: vi toda la entrada del edificio repleta de cajas de cartón, el pasillo, el jardín, había señores con diablitos yendo y viniendo con más cajas de cartón, el portón abierto, creo que en las escaleras de afuera podían verse más cajas; corrí a abrir la puerta para ver las escaleras y la entrada: ya había un montón de cajas apiladas por todos lados. Entonces me aterrorizé ante la idea de pagar, creo, diez mil cajas de sobres de polvo para hacer agua de naranja. Después habré pasado a otro sueño. Al día siguiente se lo conté a una amiga y concordó en que es el sueño más divertido en verdad.

2.

Nada más por puro gusto, les transcribo aquí varios fragmentos del librito "HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT" de David Shrigley (el link de su página está a la derecha). No diré más. Reproduzco los que son puro diálogo sin dibujitos.
Enjoy:




***

1st BEAVER: YE GADS! I'M HUNGRY! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT.
2nd BEAVER: HERE, HAVE THIS LOG. IT'S LEFT OVER FROM BUILDING THE DAM.
1st BEAVER: ACH! BUT IT'S COVERED IN SPARM
2nd BEAVER: AYE SO, IT'S JUST A WEE BIT OF SPARM, IT WILL'NT HURT YOU, JUST WIPE IT OFF
1st BEAVER: SEE THE SPARM WILL'NT WIPE OFF, IT'S ENGRAINED, IN FACT IT'S MORE THAN ENGRAINED, IT'S AS IF IT IS ACTUALLY BENEATH THE SURFACE.
2nd BEAVER: ACH WELL, THIS SPARMY LOG IS ALL THERE IS
1st BEAVER: WELL I'LL JUST LEAVE IT, THANKS ANYWAY. BUT I SURE AM THIRSTY. DO YOU HAVE ANY WATER?
2nd BEAVER: NOT SINCE WE BUILT THE DAM
-THE END-

***

CLEVER CHILD. GAINS WEIGHT RAPIDLY AND GETS STUCK IN A CONCRETE SEWER PIPE WHICH HAS BEEN LEFT ON A BUILDING SITE

***

ERODED THRU INCESSANT WIPING:
STATUE OF THE MADONNA
OTHER HOLY RELICS
VARIOUS TAXIDERMY ESP. WINDOW CLEANER
CHILDS SCALP

***

CHILD HAS THE REMOTE CONTROL:

LOOK'S GRAVE DUG WITH A SPOON
-CLICK-
SIT NAKED IN THE STINGING NETTLES
-CLICK-
NOTHING TO EAT BUT LOGS
-CLICK-
OBSESSION WITH ANIMAL TAILS
-CLICK-
HELICOPTER FOLLOWING A SEAGULL
-CLICK-
GALLONS AND GALLONS AND GALLONS OF
-CLICK-
(TV IS TURNED OFF BY MISTAKE)
(CHILD FIDDLES WITH REMOTE FOR 10 MINUTES)
-CLICK-
I FOUND THE DOG STARING INTO THE MIRROR
-CLICK-
IT IS AS DRY AS A BEAN
-CLICK-
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE MONKEY TWITCH
-CLICK-
(DAD TURNS OFF T.V.)
(CHILD IS BEATEN)

***

EXPRESS AS A FRACTION:
ALL PHOTOGRAPHS IN THE WORLD THAT YOU APPEAR IN (NUMERATOR)
ALL PHOTOGRAPHS IN THE WORLD (DENOMINATOR)

***

PEOPLE BEING HORSEWHIPPED
PEOPLE SAY THEY LIKE IT
BUT I DON'T THINK THEY LIKE IT
PEOPLE SAY THEY PAY THE FARMER TO DO IT TO THEM
BUT I DON'T THINK THEY PAY THE FARMER TO DO IT TO THEM
WHO WOULD PAY TO HAVE A THING LIKE THAT DONE TO THEM?
I THINK IT'S CRUEL
I THINK IT'S DERANGED NUTTY CRAP
I'M GOING TO CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION

***

WHAT DO YOU LIKE?
-MEAT PIE
WHAT DON'T YOU LIKE?
-VEGETARIAN MUCK
WHAT'S THE BEST T.V. PROG?
-'GRANDMA'S CHOICE'
HOW MUCH DO YOU WATCH IT?
-I WATCH IT CONSTANT
DO YOU WISH YOU WERE ON IT?
-IT IS MY DREAM. I HAVE A THING ABOUT IT. TO BE ON IT.
WHAT ARE YOU QUALITIES?
-I HAVE A P.H.d. IN READING
-END-

***

AT THE KNOCKING SHOP:
1ST WHORE: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
2ND WHORE. I'VE BEEN FOR A JOB INTERVIEW
1ST WHORE: WHAT WAS THE JOB?
2ND WHORE: PSYCHIATRIST
1ST WHORE: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE A PSYCHIATRIST FOR? YOU'D HAVE TO SPEND ALL DAY TALKING TO NUT-JOBS, WHICH I IMAGINE WOULD BE QUITE TEDIOUS.
2ND WHORE: ACTUALLY, I THINK I WOULD RATHER ENJOY IT. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN FASCINATED BY THE BEHAVIOUR OF THE EMOTIONALLY UNKEMPT.
1ST WHORE: OH, I SEE. DID YOU GET THE JOB?
2ND WHORE: NO
-THE END-

***

UNITED WE STAND
UNTIED WE FALL

***

-HEY MAN, YOUR BOOTS ARE COVERED IN MUCK, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
-I WAS WITH MY YOUNG SON, WE WERE OUT WALKING WHEN HE SUDDENLY RAN AWAY FROM ME INTO A FIELD OF MUCK.
-AND YOU RAN AFTER HIM?
-EVENTUALLY
-EVENTUALLY?
-EVENTUALLY, WHEN I REALIZED HE WAS WEARING MY BOOTS.

***

WHAT YOU READ ON HOLDAY:
'THE GUV'NOR'
'GANGSTERS'
'HITMAN'
'HARD BASTARDS'
'THE FACE - A TALE OF PRISON VIOLENCE'
'KILLER'
'KILLER II'
'THE CULT OF VIOLENCE'
'HE KILLS COPPERS'
'ENFORCER'
'THE NAZIS'
'HITLER'
'HITLER'S WAR'
'HITLER'S HENCHMEN'
'KEY MANAGEMENT IDEAS'

***

NAMELESS CORPSE: "COULD YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MASS GRAVE?"
RULER: "YES, IT'S STRAIGHT AHEAD."

***

MAN: YOU THERE IN THE EAVES!
SPIDERMAN: FUCK OFF, I'M ROOSTING
MAN: ROOSTING NOW? IN THE DAYTIME? WHY?
SPIDERMAN: I'M ROOSTING BECAUSE TOMORROW I'M GONNA BUILD A BIG FUCKING NEST TO CATCH FLYING BATS IN.
MAN: DON'T YOU MEAN A WEB?
SPIDERMAN: YEAH, A FUCKING WEB OR A FUCKING NEST-THING OR WHATEVER, WHAT'S IT TO YOU ANYWAY TOUGHGUY?
MAN: THIS IS MY BARN.
SPIDERMAN: OH LORDY, I DIDN'T REALISE SIR. I'M MOST TERRIBLY SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME.
MAN: OK.
SPIDERMAN: AND I PRESUME SIR THAT THIS FARM IS YOURS.
MAN: YES.
SPIDERMAN: MIGHT I ENQUIRE IF YOU HAVE HORSES NEEDING SHOD, FOR I AM A TRAINED BLACKSMITH
MAN: YOU CAN SHOD MY FUCK
-END-

***

FIGHT TO THE DEAD BETWEEN 2 SNAILS
WINNER IS EATEN BY A BIRD
LOSER IS ALSO EATEN BY A BIRD

***

PATIENT: 'DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I HAVE GROWN A SMALL ARM ON MY LOWER ABDOMEN'
DOCTOR: 'WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE IT REMOVED?'
PATIENT: YES PLEASE'
DOCTOR: ALL RIGHT THEN; I SHALL MAKE ARRANGMENTS'

***

-KNOCK KNOCK
-WHO'S THERE?
(SILENCE)

***

5 comentarios:

Miss Pinky dijo...

me invitas un agua de naranja??

Corriendo despacio dijo...

Junta muchas cajas, locación ya tenemos por que vivimos en departamentos , muchos amigos con diablitos, una video cámara y obtendrás una gran pieza diiii arte. ¡Anda!

Royal Majesty Queque dijo...

Jajajaja polvo para agua de naranja! Qué bonito sueño, aunque creo que un poco desesperante por no saber cómo pagar todo eso. Yo uno de los más divertidos que he tenido es donde soñé que vivía en una casita en el campo... y cuando entraba era CHAN CHAN... una lúgubre sala de estar de cualquier casa de ciudad. Me sentaba y a mi lado estaba el chico que me gustaba JA y nos poniamos a discutir con dos señoras que segun eran sus tías.

Los sueños son la mejor cosa del mundo. Casi como el pay de queso.

**

-KNOCK KNOCK
-WHO'S THERE?
(SILENCE)

This part, Really nice.

Lear dijo...

Bueno, en lugar de agua de naranja pudo haber sido coca, y ahì sì que acababas fundido en la cárcel... Gracias por los fragmentos, está buenos.

Ruy Guka dijo...

Está demasiado corta tu entrada. A ver si escribes, aunque sea, unas dos líneas más.